Sunday, August 06, 2006

New Jersey's Best Kept Secret

South Plainfield, NJ, July 25: A medical student gives the ‘roughly-severed hand’ of a research cadaver to a dancer in an all-nude juice bar. (Perhaps because the dancer helped him understand human anatomy?) Having a ‘flair for the dramatic,’ the dancer appreciatively accepts the unusual tip and puts it in her curio cabinet next to her collection of human skulls. Later said dancer gets busted because using stray body parts as home decor is frowned upon, even in Jersey.


Forget the body part collecting. Once it’s been featured in a movie of the week, it’s passé, frankly. But, what the hell is a nude juice bar?

Several click-click-clicks later (How did we find out anything before the Internet?)…Turns out that in Jersey it’s hard to secure a liquor license and a nudie license for the same address. Loser guys aren’t gonna fork over more than five bucks for a watered-down cocktail at a dive bar. They can get shit-faced in the comfort of their own homes for a lot less dough. But tits and ass is another story entirely. Loser guys don’t get much T&A, they want lots, so they’ll pay big for it. Simple supply and demand.

But, all those loser guys squandering their cash for a chance to gawk at some bare bootie work up a powerful thirst. Thus, the nude juice bar concept…Screw selling liquor, just offer mixers (juice) and an abundance of T&A. (Extremely inventive business concept! Must have been devised by a woman.)

Turns out nude juicing is not limited to Jersey. There’s a famous one in, get this, South Dakota. (Are there even people in South Dakota?) It’s notorious because an anti-nude-juicing group keeps filing lawsuits to shut the place down, so as to prevent their town from being labeled ‘Sin City.’ (Oh yeah, let’s go get our freak on in SD!) The bar’s owner keeps winning: there is simply no ordinance against juicing in the buff. Who knew?

'New Jersey's Best Kept Secret'
(In case you want to go get your juice on.)

2 comments:

Vive42 said...

dude. i really, really, need to go to a nude juice bar. i can't believe it took me so long to find this post and to realize that whats been keeping me out of strip clubs for so long (apart from, like, feminism or whatever) is that i didn't wan't to be around a bunch of drunks!

PARLANCHEQ said...

Good to know I am not the only one who was unfamiliar with the nude juice bar concept. Must be a regional thing. Or a guy thing. Or something.