Monday, February 19, 2007

I May Never Date Agian

Just for the record I'm not bitter that my charming date made me go to the bar and buy my own drink. I really don’t think it should always fall on the guy to pay. I did kind of expect him to pick up the tab at least this once, though, seeing as how he extended the invite. I mean we were getting beers at a cheap-ass (albeit quaint) corner bar, not eating a multi-course meal at a five-star restaurant where the bill might have left him strapped for weeks. OK, I lied, I am bitter, but I would have gotten over it if that was the only downside of the evening.

Pretty much the first thing he told me was that I had big hands. (I don’t really think so, but whatever.) He added that they were womanly (a good thing, I guess, since I am a woman), so maybe it was all merely an offhanded (ha, ha) compliment. Not sure I can say the same about his suggestion that I get porcelain lumineers. Maybe he's just been researching them or something since he looked like he could benefit from them as well (not that I would ever think of bringing up such a thing on a first date).

He was wildly uncomfortable that the two guys at the table next to us were, he claimed, 'gays on a date.' Truthfully I hadn't even noticed. They were just two guys. At a bar. Together. No hand holding or saliva exchange or anything. Yet, he felt they were being too ‘in your face’ by being out together. Feeling snarky I asked if the two women at the next table over were lesbians on a date, but he said no because they were too girly to be lesbians. (Apparently only butch lesbians date.) He added that one of them was really hot.

Then I got to hear about his strikingly beautiful therapist who he used to have fantasies (never realized) of screwing. Turns out I knew of this therapist because her name was all over the news when she was busted for (allegedly) practicing without a license. He claims she’ll be vindicated when the case goes to trial. Could be, but if he’s one of her success stories, you do have to wonder.

It gets better. Turns out he is not very interested in dating women anymore because it’s a lot of work and doesn’t always pay off (in terms of getting pussy, that is). What he really wants is to find women who will watch him jack off. Maybe even help him along. And then let him reciprocate. He thought I was down with that. As in, tonight. Holy shit!

Now, to be fair, we did talk about sex on the phone. Titillating talk, even. But it was talk. Hypothetical what turns you on kind of stuff, not what are we going to do tomorrow kind of stuff. I am quite sure I did not say, ‘Hey buddy, why don’t you invite me to a cheap bar, let me buy my own drink and then, rather than bothering with small talk, let’s go to your place so I can watch you stroke your cock.’

At least he was gentlemanly enough to say he didn’t want me to do anything that I wasn’t comfortable with. Since I said the idea of getting to know his dick before I got to know him creeped me out and since he said getting to know each other was too much of a hassle, we parted ways. He wants me to call him tomorrow for phone sex, though. Um, yeah…I think not.


Picture credit: T-shirt Humor

12 comments:

scalpel said...

Oh my god......

T said...

what a guy......

Mulysa said...

you have GOT to do stand up...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Omigod. What a creep. Is this what dating is like nowadays? How utterly gruesome.

But you do tell a great story!

Phelan said...

HAHAHAHA! Does he have a brother?

Jingoistic said...

And the first thing he focused on were your hands?

Sounds like a rather pathetic person...

eddyquette said...

Oooh! Aaah! Makes me kind of ashamed of man(male)kind... As the others said, though, you do tell a story well!

Nina said...

Oh my gawd! I know that guy!

Ick.

Glad you survived that torture.

Lee said...

I once told a guy he had exceedingly small, delicate hands for a guy, but I was trying to get rid of him.

john h said...

could i just say..ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

In the words of the violent femmes..'big hands I know you're the one'..

what the hell, what the hell..the dating pool surely to god has to be deeper than this..

newscoma said...

Yikes.
This guys sounds like an asshat.

Kevin said...

Sorry your date didn't go like you had hoped it would go.

That dude had a cyber conversation with you in real life.

That doesn't work.