Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Ins and Outs of Butt Plugs

You may be wondering why I haven't posted anything lately. Or maybe you haven't been wondering. I'm still gonna tell you regardless. I have very busy working on valuable scientific research that may improve the lives of people everywhere.

No, I'm not just talking about the stuff I do at work. True, my job entails health care research and I have been slaving away at it lately - about once a quarter I have to put in a few productive weeks so that I can slack off the rest of the time - but pretty much none of that research is going to save the world. Though if you'll excuse me while I pat myself on the back, a paper I co-authored on alcohol detox seems to be a hit in substance-abuse-treatment circles. It was about a study in which we found people who receive follow-up services after detoxification don't relapse as often or as quickly as people who receive no follow-up services. I know, like, duh! But apparently having data to back up that fact might help get some stingy insurers and public agencies to shell out more funds for substance abuse treatment. Anyway, I digress....

The research I really want to tell you about has to do with butt plugs. After reading the comments to my previous post it became obvious that most of the world - myself included - has far too little experience when it comes to butt plugs. Not to fear, though, as I plan to put my clinical trial management skills to good use by filling that knowledge void.

I have been quite occupied these past two weeks conducting a thorough review of the literature to determine what key opinion leaders in the field already know about butt plugs. An initial search of the National Library of Medicine database revealed only a paltry 16 publications pertaining to butt plugs. (That was about 16 more than I expected, but apparently butt plugs can be used to manage fecal incontinence. Doesn't that make you want to know lots more about butt plugs?)

Further exploration led me to discover the real butt plug experts are not physicians but rather lay (an unintended pun) people who like to get their kink on. They have compiled an impressive body of literature regarding the safety and efficacy of butt plugs - complete with plenty of juicy pictures and videos, too - but there have been few head-to-head (another unintended pun) comparisons of butt plugs and other forms of sexual activity.

Along with colleagues from the BDSM and porn communities, however, I am working to get just such a study funded. Things are still in the planning phases, but I will be sure to advise you when study enrollment begins so you can sign up. There is sort of an unwritten rule that clinical trials must have catchy little acronym names and we're currently working on thinking up one for the butt plug study. What do you think of ASSES (Assessment of Sensory Satisfaction Emanating from Shitholes)?


Blondie said...

I HAVE been wondering where you've been. I'm glad to see you've been studying butt plugs. :)

pervertedanallover said...

I would really love to sign up. Message me if this is happening.

Calculating Infinity said...

I am interested, sign me up!

Anonymous said...

im in

BPlug said...

When you do your butt plug study, Please find out if butt plugging becomes an addiction. That is, the desire to insert larger and larger plugs to get the same estastic feelings.
I hope to support your cause since I believe that I am addicted to bigger and bigger butt plugs...currently up to size 3 and 1/2 inches.

Raja said...

I would love to participate.

Please revert.
Arindam from India

Anonymous said...

I am interested to wear the plug, sign me up!

callme: cinziabellomia@libero.it

Anonymous said...

I'm interested. count me in. sneekiejew@gmail.com