Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Public Service Announcement

Masturbation Safety Tips for Men

1. Never insert your penis anywhere there's a chance it could get stuck.

Important because if you have sex with a bottle, a visit to the ER to have your penis extracted from said bottle may be required. [Sticking a bottle up your ass is not advised either.]

2. Don't try to enlarge your penis using any non-medical method.

Penis-enlarging devices can be harmful. What would you rather have: a natural penis that works or a slightly larger one that will never get erect again? [Um, tough choice.]

3. Don't masturbate with a vacuum cleaner.

Many guys have experimented with vacuum sex, but anything that creates more suction than a human mouth can cause injury. [Many guys have tried this? Proof that thinking sometimes occurs in the little head.]

4. Avoid using soap or shampoo as a lube.

It can cause penis skin to dry out and turn leathery. However, pretty much anything that's safe to eat is safe to apply externally. [Tabasco sauce may be an exception.]

5. Don't masturbate in a hot tub.

Masturbating in a hot tub may make your body temperature rise too high, causing you to get dizzy and pass out. [I'm a bit dubious about this one but just in case, cold showers only, guys, OK?]

6. Always let your semen out of your body when you ejaculate.

The safety of injaculation - pressing your balls and whatnot during orgasm to retain the semen - has not been evaluated in controlled clinical studies, so it's probably best to just let 'er rip. [Plus, part of the fun is seeing how far you can shoot it. Or so I'm told.]

7. You can injure yourself trying to suck your own penis.

Giving yourself oral pleasure may sound like the ultimate, but few guys can reach and spinal injury can result from trying. [If you're that desperate, might I point out that prostitutes are cheaper than back surgery.]

This public service announcement was brought to you by JackinWorld. [Yes, guys, these are real safety tips. Let it never be said that I don't care about your dicks you.]


abbagirl74 said...

Well, good to see you are back! We missed you there for awhile!

Kevin said...

These are all very good tips. Being a male, I have some experience in this area and I agree with every one of those.