Friday, September 14, 2007

Healthy Me

The company I work for cares about its employees so much, it created a special wellness program just to help keep us healthy. We get to participate in totally lame wellness activities and get points that we can redeem for tacky prizes. On company time. Fun!

I really wanted to earn enough wellness points to get this 'distinctive executive globe' (corner office and cushy paycheck not included). Because what would be cooler than taking up one-square foot of the measly desk space in my little, tiny padded cell with something that's so completely and totally useless in my line of work? Sadly, I don't think I will accrue enough points for the globe, so I may have to settle for a lesser prize. I'm thinking maybe the 'Zippo lighter with ergonomic styling' because a lighter is such a practical thing to have on hand at the office. You know, in case I should get the urge to start a bonfire in the conference room from reams of copier paper. That happens a lot.

If I complete one wellness activity per week during September, I can get the lighter. Yippee! I'm all set for this week, because I just completed an online activity about how to avoid cancer by eating right. Admittedly I wasn't really paying close attention - it's not like it'll be a vital component of my next performance review or anything - but I did catch that if I don't eat 4-6 servings of fruits and veges daily I will get cancer. Then I will cost my company's employer-funded health plan gazillions of dollars which will cause them to need to lay me off so as to not cut into our sizable profit margin and cause any executive to forfeit his hefty annual bonus. I was worried, but then this helpful little list popped up on the screen...



I think I can eat enough fruits and veges after all. Seeing as how it was the company wellness plan that clued me into the benefits of drinking 4-6 glasses of red wine a day, though, I'm guessing they won't mind if I consume some of the servings during the workday.

1 comment:

Amber said...

That is hilarious. Are they giving away lighters as a way to promote smoking?

If so, the anti-cancer campaign they've got going on is kind of pointless, no?