Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Pepe le Pew

The online dating site Plenty of Fish allows users to limit who contacts them by setting requirements for potential mates. For example, users can select options such as, 'must not smoke' or 'must be between ages 30 and 50.' Previously I hadn't set any such criteria because I am desperate wanted to have an open mind about my Mr. Right. After my date last night, however, I revised my profile to stipulate that men contacting me meet a few simple requirements.

  • Must not have extreme body odor that appears to be due, not merely to a little nervous perspiration but, rather, to not showering, laundering your shirt, or applying deodorant in the past several days.

  • Must refrain from telling me on the first date that I have large hands even if you think that I do have large hands since you aren't the only guy to tell me that on a first date and I am getting a complex.

  • Must be able to interpret me inching away from you while we chat over cocktails as a social clue that I don't want you to keep touching my hair and neck because, even if you completely skank me out, I will be far too polite to tell you that outright and get up and leave the bar.

  • Must not try to kiss me on the lips after bothering to ask if it's OK and being told no.

  • Must not ask how soon we are going to have sex after just being turned down for a kiss.

  • Must avoid coming across as somewhat socially challenged or saying things on the first date like, 'Before I met you I was about to give up on dating altogether, but now I have hope for my future,' lest I feel sorry for you and experience guilt over not answering your calls the next day.

Bottom line, there will be none of this in my immediate future after all.


heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ewww. You poor dear. Might I suggest that you put aside your extreme politeness in such instances where it is clearly inappropriate and find a taxi?

Julie said...

Hey Parlancheq! I was just updating my blogroll and thought I'd pop by and say hi. Good to see you're just as funny a writer as ever. Pop by sometime!